Enough

Enough. Enough with the boxes, the packing, the dumpsters and the realtors (nothing personal Elaine). Enough with the strange people knocking at my door everyday or randomly appearing in my back yard asking “Hey… you wanna get rid of that car?, “You wanna get rid of that lawn mower?” There comes a time when a person just has to reconnect with who they are and not necessarily with what they have to do.

My son, Puck, came back home this last weekend and stayed until this morning. I suppose, in fact I know, that reclaiming time for himself is in part the general purpose of these visits. He, like me, needs to re-calibrate his mind. To quietly read a book and listen to what the words say. Take an uninterrupted nap in the shade of our apple tree. To quite literally come home to both a place and a space within himself.

This is not to say that this constitutes a lack of love for our friends or a rampant lack of responsibility for our jobs, lives and commitments. We just simply need to be able to shut off our cell phones and be envelop ourselves in solitude. And, it is this alone time that prepares us and makes us warriors in life.  I am now in need of that time. I want to sit outside and write to my heart’s content. I want to get all the words out of me and share them with the world. I want to read that book, take that nap, sit on the grass and meditate without distraction. It’s all required and when the time is over… I’ll come out better, faster, stronger and smarter.

What’s love got to do with it?

After a recent argument with my beloved, a close friend said to me with worry, relationship “shouldn’t be this hard.” I agree. I shouldn’t be. But in my heart and in my mind I know that all relationships are hard. Love is hard. Loving from two separate continents is harder still. As Tapani and I  get closer to creating a life on one continent, life becomes more stressful. Yes, exciting. Yes, adventurous. But also fraught with challenges which bring a rain of high emotion. Each day is a new journey and sometimes a new battle.

Couples who live in the same town can experience high stress when faced with moving in together or marriage. Imagine what this is like when you are moving to another continent? It’s not always going to be cake and roses. Time zone differences, separation, packing ones belongings, fear, excitement… they all lend to a mix of emotions that can be dangerous brew. Communicating with your partner on a regular basis via sms or phone is not ideal. Much gets lost in the way of 140 characters or phone conversations late at night. Misunderstandings, crossed connections and assumptions can be the order of the day. I sometimes think that this relationship of fourteen years is nothing short of a miracle. Or is it just love?

Dependence Not of One’s Own

I’ve always been rather independent. Ok… maybe a bit more than that. My ex-husband would say to me “ You are too independent for your own good”. Honestly, to this day I can’t see how being independent could be a bad thing but clearly the ex had some issues with it.

So, I wonder, how is it that I’ll fare when plopped into a new country completely dependent on my fiance . Everything new and foreign. How on earth will I navigate the snabbköp where there are words like tändstickor, mjölk och tvål? How about the bus system  . . . the destinations on the wall of the kiosk are 27 consonants long. How will it be when this fiercely independent, former single Mom, has to depend on her man for the simplest of instruction. He’s going to have to help me learn how to use the washer and drier for heaven’s sake. It’s going to be a whole new world

Dreams

It has been a very long time since I can remember having a dream. I wonder if this is because my dreams are coming true while I’m awake.